Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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