Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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