my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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