I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
