did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
