Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
