We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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