I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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