Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
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