Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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