Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
