Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
