I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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