You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
