first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
