DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
