So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize