The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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