i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
