Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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