I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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