Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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