walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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