The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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