they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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