Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
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