I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
