Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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