Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
