If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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