Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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