That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
