whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
