I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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