i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Are we still banned from the library?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
