Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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