My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
