she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
