I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
