It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
