Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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