Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
