Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just want to make out with him forever
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
