So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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