then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
