would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Hippo gnu deer
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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