Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
