So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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