pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
