found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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