I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
